Chemo revealed – it’s not over

Well, apparently, if I have a good scan (no cancer, cancer on the run), the reward is more chemo.  All those rounds popped up on my calendar for my convenience.  MORE?  I was under the impression that three rounds and we see what happens – then we decide what path to take – just like the last time.

I luckily went in and got to see the doctor.  It’s the machinery in motion, schedules filed, and it surprised and freaked the heck out of me.  The doctor was very patient and I understand the scenarios better.

I am living day-by-day hoping my cancer is getting whopped – putting up with needles in my arms, toxins being flushed through my body, no social life to speak of – so even if I get a good rating, I can opt for more chemo just to be sure….

Going from chemo to chemo round is not living.  Now that I am calmed down – there are decisions to make – it’s so easy to be lured into ‘everything will be OK” = it might not and then what?

The light at the end of the tunnel just might be the train.

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One more day – shots

So, one more day of getting shots – then I wait until the 11th for the scan that tells all.  Been pretty tired lately – I mostly slept all day yesterday and last night.  Strange dreams, but at least they were not nightmares.

Gotta get some gumption together for Xmas decorating. Short on ambition too.  be back later.

Snow on the web page is back!

I prefer that to real snow.  During this whole ordeal, I’ve been cold – just can’t get warm except under my electric blanket, in bed with the covers drawn up around my head (oh, yeah, with socks on).  No, I haven’t lost that much weight (maybe 35 pounds), but there’s oh so much more to go.  I don’t recommend this type of weight loss or hair loss,

Had the final Chemo yesterday – was really nervous – saw my breakfast twice –  not recommended either, esp. when you go bolting out the door to get in the car and realize something is not right…and it’s not.  Luckily, I made it back into the house.  So I got through the session listening to music again.

So today was the first of the shots – building white blood cells again.  Four days in a row – down to the hospital for a shot and then back again.  I am tired.  Not just fatigued – but tired of it all – and apprehensive about what this all means.

First hurdle is getting past Joe’s death date of Dec. 6.  Always so hard, never can explain to people how I feel even after all this time.  So this year, I’m not – I’ll do something for myself and not tell anyone.  No poems, no photos, making it private.  People don’t care anyway – they are booting up for the holidays, making their wallets freaking’ bare.  I can’t even muster enough to energy to make cards this year.  Donna said she would put up the tree.

Then comes the scan on the 11th – that will tell us if the cancer retreated or has decided to make a stand or travel somewhere else for the winter.  I feel I am going to use a lot of my stress pills until then – then I talk to the doctor on the 18th for the interpretations of the scan – is it gone?  is it coming back – never left?  then I get the verdict of what my life be like – happy?  or being sick some more.

Don’t mind my down mood today – it’s all part of my life right now.  I can handle it.

 

Day 2 Chemo

This round is making me feel a little sick in the stomach.  Wait, there are pills for that – and I am taking them.  Nothing major, just something new.

My right hand was used today, so I couldn’t draw.  So, out came the Kindle and after Mike got me connected, I was listening to music.  One cannot sit still listening to Santana, so I was giving into the music – toes a tapping’, head bobbing, hand gestures and I look up and two other women getting chemo were smiling and laughing at me – well, I guess I should say, laughing with me.  I wanted to turn the speakers on for everyone.  “Make it real or forget about it!” (Santana).

Could not sleep last night – around 4 a.m., I finally conked out.  I was coughing because of my asthma and that didn’t help.  So I slept in late and will go to bed early – Day 3 FINAL DAY of Chemo tomorrow.  I should get a prize – oh wait – I have four more days of shots to build up my white blood cells, THEN it’s over – MAYBE.  These next weeks are going to drive me nuts waiting for the scan to tell me if the chemo got rid of the cancer.  If it did – hurray, but my brain keeps going to the other answer I might get.  It’s not all gone – then what?  Haven’t heard yet what that game plan is, but I will tell you – this is not living doing chemo and getting shots and being scared half to death all the time.  I don’t see how people manage chronic illnesses.  I am not that brave.

I swear – why did they cut my bangs so short?  And is that a dress???  a dress?  How dare they.

kid

 

Thanksgiving – score = 0; Chemo=3

Just wasn’t in the cards – mostly slept during the day – we waffled (no food pun intended – although they would have tasted good) about the menu – last-minute we changed it.  It was the three of us. None of us in  a holiday mood. Wait, Mike was in a holiday mood until I woke up.

But I have more important things to do now – which means concentrating on getting better and taking care of an ailing body.  I had to stay away from Donna – she was sick after the holiday.  On Friday,  I had visitors – lovely wonderful Ani (she had a baby mask) and Roxy(she had a Minnie Mouse mask)- but they had to wear masks and I wore my mask and Donna was in her room.  She didn’t get to meet them.  It was a fun short visit and thank goodness, Donna is getting better now.

Back at Chemo today and tomorrow and the next day.  We had delayed – and that delay gave my body a little breather – but now I remember the fatigue it gives you.  I am tired – I wanted to get all excited about Xmas, but I can’t quite yet.  My cousin’s sister-in-law posts on Facebook – she’s baking and baking, making wreaths, doing crafts – seems as if she never sleeps  oh, did I mention she’s a potter, and archer and a police officer?  And she just moved???  I used to be that woman only maybe not the baking, the archery, or the police officer career…wait – No, I wasn’t that woman – just busy making all my Xmas presents, shopping, having the god-daughter’s party and decorating.

My “tree” is calling to me, but I have the pillow over my head.  Last year, upon some motivation, I downsized to a pencil tree – very thin.  But then again – motivation is lacking.  Maybe the tree will make it up or maybe not.

Meanwhile – more chemo tomorrow.

Surprises all around

Last week, I had a neighbor drop by some dark chocolate – Sunday, another neighbor made extra turkey dinners and dropped them by – and yesterday another neighbor brought by a bouquet of flowers.

Wow – made my heart all warm and fuzzy that people would think of me.  A very good friend of mine, Joyce, has been making treats for me all along – all based on plant foods – and without sugar – but they taste yummy.  She is an amazing baker, cook, artist, you name it, she can do it.  Many hugs to you, Joyce.

And gratitude to my sister, Donna and my husband, Mike, for making all those meals and keeping track of all my pills – I never would get through this without their thoughtful actions.

Gratitude day.  Oh, and we’re going Mexican for Thanksgiving – more foods I can have.  I can take photos.

 

 

Run Away -for a day

We had plans – go to Davis, see an art exhibit, go to the Davis Co-op and eat out at IKEA.  After my first chemo, I ate there and I was famished.  Not a real fan of meatballs – I became one in a hurry – mashed potatoes, veggies, organic meatballs – hey!  So this time I wanted to go back as a treat and to test if I still was enamored of the plate.

We look up when the exhibit opened – got to Davis – found the Hart Hall – door locked.  Well, we were a little early, so Mike pushed me all over the campus while Donna explored the wild flora and fauna (ok, she likes to collect leaves and rocks).  It was chilly, but the sun was warm.  I was having a great time – We then go back to check on the exhibit – still not open – well past the time posted.  Then we look at the door – Sunday, open at 2 p.m. to 5 p.m.  It was 1 o’clock.  Wires were crossed somewhere.

I decided not to be outside for another hour, so we left for IKEA.  Have you seen IKEA on a Sunday?  Wow – people are buying up stuff like it’s Armageddon.  While we ate, the escalator was full bringing people up.  Oh, BTW, I still love the Swedish meatball plate – I had to turn in my vegetarian card.

By the time we finished – we just had to go shopping for all the little IKEA stuff we love – boxes that fold out, stainless steel bowls, frames, a garlic press – maybe we caught the Armageddon fever.  By that time (4:30 p.m.), I was exhausted.

We went home and we all slept.  I was in my nice warm heated blanket, at peace with the memories of a nice day outside and inside.  Helped calmed my nerves. And yes, there is my BALD head…

Some pics:

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Who stole my wig?

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what is so freakin’ funny?DSCN4094

Muse has left on a vacation

house4 008Guess he thought since I was busy with the cancer thing, I didn’t need distraction. I have tons of art stuff – just waiting for me to get an idea and gumption to do it.  I’ve even bought more stamps thinking that would inspire me – (One of my old tricks to buy supplies).  Nada.  I did use some of the new stamps to send some cards to my uncles.  They are still scratching their heads over the images of Teesha Moore.

I drew a cartoon the day I found out I had cancer.  I’ll post it once my scanner is fixed.  Basically, it’s an image of me driving my car with beads and paints falling out the back, my head is turned to a billboard that says, “…about the size of a plum…”  The car is about the plunge off a cliff while a crow watches from a branch sticking out of the cliff.  Weird, but honest on that day.  My doctor told me that how big the tumor was – about the size of a plum.  Must have been growing there for a while.  Anyhow, back to the art.

Then I painted an abstract of a glowing sparkly tumor with my “champion” coming to destroy it.  People didn’t get it, but I see it plainly.  When you have to explain your art, it loses something in the presentation.  But I like it.  Jury is still out whether it (tumor eater) is successful or not.

So where is my inspiration – maybe it’s tied to hope – which is low in my supply these days – the battle going on in my body robs me of a lot of energy and inspiration – can I finish this?  should I even buy supplies?  what happens to my supplies when I die?  what about my art?  big bonfire?  See how warped my mind goes when I let it loose?

So I need to look at each project as a step in the right direction – as it is today – not tomorrow.  I have my stamper tool Holder for acrylic stamps with guidelines and magnets and I am going to teach myself how to use it today.  I’ve been using unmounted stamps with my fingers – nasty and messy – so we’ll see if Tim Holtz knows what he’s talking about it.

Oh, and the hope thing?  It’s up and down like my mood – don’t worry – I’ve been through crap before – just gotta get my Xena thing going in between anti-nausea drugs and naps.

Setback

My blood counts are too low to start chemo tomorrow.  I’m pushed back two weeks until I can take another blood test to see if I can go ahead.  It was depressing to hear – I had geared up for this session.  But it is common – I guess the chemo is doing what it is supposed to do.  Groan.

Not a good day, but I had some visitors to make the news a little better to bear.  Now to bed.