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We should have ordered a cake for today

We should have bought candles and presents

And invited all your friends

To a surprise party

At the house

Everyone would have hidden

In the living room

And you’d casually walk in

The front door

And we’d all jump out

And we’d yell, “Surprise!!’

You’d laugh and feign surprise

And head for the pile of presents

But I went to work today

Instead of working from home

I tried concentrating on some documents

And I had a meeting with my boss

I worked with some people I’ve never met

From Costa Rica

I saw Lisa and Gab

Lisa brought flowers for your memory

In hopes that the red petals and their salty smell might cushion the pain

I surfed online to see about going to Burning Man

And envisioned myself

At Burning Man

With new friends

At a desert party

Having fun and dancing

On the dry earth

And you could walk into

The tent in the desert

Holding the tent flap in one hand

And when you ducked in,

We would all yell, “Surprise!!”

And I’d feign surprise

And run to you

My heart full and happy again

I’d throw my arms around you

And put my head on your chest

And listen to your heart beat

But that won’t happen

Because you died

And I am left

To wonder what to do with myself

On days like this one

Your birthday

April 9th