I prefer that to real snow.  During this whole ordeal, I’ve been cold – just can’t get warm except under my electric blanket, in bed with the covers drawn up around my head (oh, yeah, with socks on).  No, I haven’t lost that much weight (maybe 35 pounds), but there’s oh so much more to go.  I don’t recommend this type of weight loss or hair loss,

Had the final Chemo yesterday – was really nervous – saw my breakfast twice –  not recommended either, esp. when you go bolting out the door to get in the car and realize something is not right…and it’s not.  Luckily, I made it back into the house.  So I got through the session listening to music again.

So today was the first of the shots – building white blood cells again.  Four days in a row – down to the hospital for a shot and then back again.  I am tired.  Not just fatigued – but tired of it all – and apprehensive about what this all means.

First hurdle is getting past Joe’s death date of Dec. 6.  Always so hard, never can explain to people how I feel even after all this time.  So this year, I’m not – I’ll do something for myself and not tell anyone.  No poems, no photos, making it private.  People don’t care anyway – they are booting up for the holidays, making their wallets freaking’ bare.  I can’t even muster enough to energy to make cards this year.  Donna said she would put up the tree.

Then comes the scan on the 11th – that will tell us if the cancer retreated or has decided to make a stand or travel somewhere else for the winter.  I feel I am going to use a lot of my stress pills until then – then I talk to the doctor on the 18th for the interpretations of the scan – is it gone?  is it coming back – never left?  then I get the verdict of what my life be like – happy?  or being sick some more.

Don’t mind my down mood today – it’s all part of my life right now.  I can handle it.