Postponed again, so I am home today.  We’re scheduled again for next week if the counts are good – can you hear my optimism slipping away?  I might have to have some shots to boost production if the numbers don’t pan out.  This chemo is the last round before I can take time off from medicines and doctors – 3 months.  My doctor even suggested we might have to forego this round.  I wanted this round as an extra insurance – I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to have it to get my mind in a good place about living with cancer.

I’d better get it together.  I can’t go on feeling disappointed and scared of this disease.  I think that will kill me faster than the cancer.  I’ve had some good days lately, where I begin to feel hopeful again.  I am having obstacles to get over – like eating different foods and giving up every darn thing I like to eat.  I need to make a change to give myself a fighting chance.  I know it sounds silly, but my clothes do not fit anymore. It’s nerve-wracking – can’t even get dressed and feel good.  I’ve lost 45 pounds the hard way and now everything I own sags on me.  Even my bras – where did my boobs go?  They shrunk too – now that’s probably too much information, but a person needs to feel good about themselves and how they look.  I’ve aged so much around my face, someone in a store thought I was Mike’s mother.  Great.

Aveda?  I need a facial!!  But until then, I can smear some moisturizer on there and feel better.  Now, I’d better go see what delight awaits me in the kitchen.