I finally got on the stick yesterday and made some plans – mental health plans.  I know some of you are breathing a sigh of relief.  “Bout time, eh?  When cancer paid me a visit, I was leading a somewhat independent life.  And it abruptly stopped – all focus was turned to the surgery and then chemo.  I wrote before how I let other people take over my care – I was overwhelmed and only concentrating on what I had to do that moment (sleep, eat, take pills, repeat).

Cancer hit me like a freight train – only now am I looking to get out from under its maddening spell – I need to plan – and the first thing I want to work on is how to manage having a real life after this last chemo (well, for three months).  I thought I would automatically become better after following all the rules of surgery (no, the bruises are not gone yet and I still have neuropathy in my legs (loss of lymph nodes they removed for testing).  My hair is still gone – a slight fuzz covers my head – and my eyebrows are gone too – looks too weird, man.  I still tire easily and sleep eludes me at times from worry (take your pill for that, Janice – there’s a pill for everything.)

I went to Kaiser Mental Health and had an intake meeting.  I’ll be attending two classes:  How to live with a chronic illness and Having Self-compassion.  I also was assigned to a therapist who specializes in health issues.  You can call my cancer an issue all right.  A big issue – it’s making me someone i don’t feel comfortable with anymore.

I resent the new changes I need to make – I am short with my care-givers – I know it’s help, but I want my old life back – guess the sooner I realize that it’s not going to be coming back, I’ll get my head outa my butt.  As I rebuilt my life from my first marriage, it was a different time and I had more ideas and energy.  Now I depend on people going to the store for me and fixing my meals.  I am grateful to my caregivers, but I can’t seem to get out of my own stubborn way.  Not feeling much like myself – maybe the talk therapy can guide me back on track – a new track, so I don’t live in the past that much.

Wish me luck.  My niece made me a painting that says Live.  I have it in my bedroom so I can see it when I wake up.  Thanks, Jilly – it’s part of my new plan to change my perspective.